I don't even know what I'm doing anymore anyway. Like I just got asked to put images of my upcoming solo show in October in a magazine and I'm like not even into it.
But I guess I should be because my career and shit right?
Something's different now. I keep thinking of other shit that has nothing to do with art.
Kind of like how I'm always telling people to never call me an artist but I have to say I am so you won't think I'm a hologram or some shit.
I keep making these things and doing the PR and tweeting and posting like a boss.
And I'm like for what?
Does this reach people?
And if so, what does it mean?
Whatever for real this time dog.
Anyway, maybe this next solo show will be what I always threaten.
Just the empty space, a coffee set up and internet connection. We just hang out and talk about life, music, things that matter.
I just want to be real.
I look around me and see a world on fire.
I mean I know it’s probably just that we know more about everything instantly and not that the world is so fucked up.
Right now Twitter is faces covered in blood and shit.
And I’m like wondering what it means to be human or post or whatever and they’re just trying not to be dead.
Cops in riot gear covering the planet with the gigantic sole of a combat boot. Good times dude.
But anyway, when the lease runs out here I’ll be gone. All you’ll have left is the pictures you grabbed and the videos you put on Vine and shit.
Like that dead boy from her past I’m jealous of but he's just an image that I'm objectifying I guess.
Death is weird. I’m at least psyched to feel so alive right now though. Shit is starting to gel for me bro.
Got to tripping the other day bro.
Thinking about Mary. My grandmother. A reader, gardener and deeply sweet lady.
She was a saint. But for real though.
Barely touching the ground you feel me.
She had a carved wooden plaque above the kitchen that said Shalom but was also a strict Baptist. And this is in South Carolina too.
I remember her cooking for folks and always looking out for friends. She put others first. Always.
Think you get up early dude? You can forget it. You would be rolling out of bed to bacon and eggs with the toast made in the oven. Coffee that would snap your neck.
Towards the end I would go hang out with her at the nursing home. Sometimes we'd go for a drive and listen to Willie Nelson.
Before she died she pulled me in and said she felt like:
"I've spent my life looking for something and being disappointed when I found it."
Sometimes I hear you Mary.
I'm not going to lie bro.
PRIVACY SETTINGS really is off the chain. At least in my own mind. I feel like every piece in the show is pitch perfect and as genuine as I feel I am.
Like every object in there is a perfect image of itself. You can see me in every work but they also stand alone you feel me.
Last night after we installed the big neon and took a break and I was chilling at Whole Foods sipping a mineral water looking at Paleo Magazine and my mind was wandering I felt so free.
You know how I got stressed the fuck out when the NFL broke JUST BE YOUR SELFIE before the big game.
I came way off that cliff and just chilled out feeling like I have said everything I could say with my work. Maybe ever.
What else would I make?
I just keep thinking of the beach and seeing your eyes glitter as we walk the streets of Los Angeles in love.
I could be better though.
Love more and reach out to those who need it. Like you were saying about me looking down on those who were weak or who feel like they are hurting.
It is fun to joke about how much of a narcissist I am but fuck man, let's be for real on this thing.
I am. And like to a terminal degree.
Maybe it's all about my sobriety or the fact that I have to maintain such a vigilance over my life to stay that way. Like always in control and shit.
I don't know. But I do know that it affects everything. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't like this.
But whatever. Fuck.
Maybe I should have been a painter and just work this shit out on canvas bro.
But have you seen me paint?
Fucking horrible. LOL
I mean I just want to have more empathy, like my son Bowie. Such a beautiful essence.
I'll never be like that.
Anyway, my Instagram is so weak dude.
Images by Nathaniel Willson © 2014